I am RUDER! [bye bye] FUCKER!!!
2008-06-07, 11:22 p.m.

I have got to quit snooping around on eBay. Yes. There are like 50 things on there related to the GazettE that I would almost kill to get my hands on. This can't possibly be healthy. I can't actually be too frivolous until after The Exies concert on June 22nd, since I know that they have new merch. I want to get it at the show so that I don't have to pay the shipping. Damn. I really have a one track mind.

I've been listening to the song "Defective Tragedy" a lot these last 24 hours. I don't know what it is, but it's really affected me somehow. I can almost just feel it in my bones. Yes, it's by the GazettE. You're just going to have to deal with it. Here's a live clip from the "Decomposition Beauty" DVD:

So there you have it. Aoi really does have a nice scream, and I'm totally not being a fangirl when I say that. He should scream more. Unfortunately, Reita usually gets that privilege. Don't get me wrong, I love Reita's scream. His voice is pretty deep, so it makes it pretty intimidating. I just think that Aoi's sounds more...what's the word I'm looking for...*scratches head*...PASSIONATE. Yes. That's it. His is more passionate. It's almost desperate, and that's very appealing to me...yeah...that train of thought kinda got carried away didn't it?

Moving on...

I have to go to bed soon. I'm really not that sleepy though. My body is used to going to bed after 2am. Bleh. I still have to take a shower and what not. Maybe that will help. I dunno. I'm sad that I have to miss all of my anime tonight. Getting up at 6:30am really fucking sucks.

If all goes well, I'll be going over to Mandy's house tomorrow evening sometime to spend the night. We're really gonna work on the book this time. I'm totally looking forward to it. Plus, I'm updating her version of WORD since the new and old versions aren't compatible. That should make things a hell of a lot easier for us.

I feel so....meh....right now.

Mandy and I were talking about this earlier. For some reason I just thought about it again...

I really freaking hate my ex for the way that he treated me. It's been four months now, and I'm still seething.

What bothers me is the fact that I let it go on for so long. Seriously. I knew that we weren't any good for each other. I knew it from almost the very beginning. Yet I let it continue for four years.

I don't know if it was just that I didn't have the strength to tell him goodbye or what. I do know that I was terrified to be single for some reason.

I hated how he somehow managed to take absolute control over just about every aspect of my life.

I hated how he treated me like shit whenever his friends were around. And if he wasn't treating me badly, he was completely ignoring me.

I hated how he forced me into social situations that I didn't want to be in by threatening to break up with me.

I hated his drug use.
I hated his drug manufacturing.
I hated his drug selling.
I hated his alcohol drinking.
I hated his need to be at the bar.

What in the fuck was really going on inside my head??!!

He wasn't even very good in bed. There. I said it. I don't care if he reads this or not. It's just plain true. There weren't any sparks. Ever. It was just a hell of a lot of me faking it.

I was so stupid...
I'm always going to hate myself for this.
I really am.

Unless I can find someone so amazing that he completely erases the bastard's memory from my mind.

Someone with everything in common with me. Someone who understands all of my quirks and finds them to be adorable instead of annoying. Someone who never tells me not to cry, and instead tells me to let it all out because it's the only way that I'm going to feel better. Someone who finds my imperfections to be the most endearing part of me. Someone who's romantic and buys me flowers and writes me love letters for no particular reason at all...Someone to wake me up in the morning with a kiss and a whispered "Aishiteru."

Really, is that so much to ask for?
It's got to be possible.
I see so many happy couples.
I try so hard not to hate them.
I try not to be jealous, but it really gets to me somehow.

The other thing that astounds me is the fact that not a single one of my friends did anything to snap me out of whatever daze I was in. They all complained to me and told me how much they couldn't stand him, but yet they did nothing to force the issue. I spent four years like this. They complained for four FREAKING years. Somebody should have just grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me till my eyes opened.

...

I think I needed to vent a little bit.
I think my mind is slowly moving on.
The more I vent, the better I feel.

I wish that he'd move out of the state so that there would never be a possibility of ever running into him again...I want to punch him. He'd probably enjoy it though.

I think that I just need to stop looking for love. I know that I'm not going to find it here. It's somewhere else. It's far, far away. He's out there having the same thoughts as me, or getting his heart broken again. I just have to have faith that we're going to meet in the middle somewhere. When it finally happens, there's going to be an incredible explosion, and you'll know.

[hee hee...it would also help if he was Asian and played the guitar...just saying...*runs away before you smack me*]

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